Let’s play Never Have I Ever: Parent Version. For the uninitiated, Never Have I Ever is a drinking game where you make a statement like “never have I ever gotten drunk and arrested, possibly naked” and anyone who HAS done that thing has to drink. (I mean, who HASN’T?) The whole point is to say things that will call out all the dirty birdies in your midst or, conversely, show off what a dirty birdie you are so you can then drunkenly mock all the virgins. But I feel like playing with parents would be a whole new game. So let’s try it, shall we?
Never have I ever gone creeping like a ninja along the baseboards of my house to avoid creaky floors while the kids slept.
Never have I ever belted 80’s hairband songs while driving dangerously fast in my mom-car.
Never have I ever plopped the kids in front of the tv because I just wanted to check Facebook for a while. And Pinterest. And that funny site. And restart the cartoon because maybe someone else liked my Facebook post?
Never have I ever taken advantage of my child’s poor concept of time. (It’s totally been an hour- time to play by yourself. Nope, not an hour yet, stay in your room.)
Never have I ever eaten an entire box of Nutty Bars while making dinner an hour late.
Never have I ever sworn elaborately in front of my kid and then when he repeated it told him not to say those things… in public.
Never have I ever made the one conversation per day I get with my significant other be entirely about children’s poop.
Never have I ever licked food off my kid’s face to clean it.
Licked food off my kid’s face because I skipped lunch and it looked delicious.
Never have I ever worn my clothes to bed. And then the entire next day because they don’t look any worse than my clean clothes that have been sitting in the laundry basket all week.
Taken a baby wipe “bath” and put on clean clothes.
Never have I ever picked someone else’s nose.
And felt inappropriately accomplished when I dig out all the gold.
Never have I ever… we should stop. I might be drunk. But feel free to add yours in the comments! (hiccup)