Did I really just say that?

Occasionally I find myself saying something as a parent that I can’t even fathom. Something that makes my brain go “how on earth did you get to a place in life where that sentence is appropriate?” And I always think I should write them down, but those moments also usually require immediate action, like grabbing a child off the arm of the couch, changing the channel because Care Bears are terrifying, or shockingly often, poo. So by the time I’m done putting the juice into the cup that matches the underwear the kid’s wearing or putting the salad tongs back in the drawer because they shouldn’t be used to stop the fan, I’ve forgotten the bizarre thing I said and should have shared with others so you could all know the joy. Kind of like the bit by Louis Black about the time he heard the dumbest thing ever, and if he doesn’t share it with others his brain will EXPLODE. (Check that here if you haven’t. It’s way funnier than I make it sound, really.)

If it weren’t for my horse…

Anyway, I thought it might be fun to make that list here, and let you play along. What’s the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever said as a parent? Or heard your parents say? Here’s some of mine and the ones my friends contributed as well:

  • Are you ready for lunch- woah. Please put your underwear back on.
  • I know it makes a good echo but your face doesn’t go in the toilet.
  • We don’t use the toilet brush on the dog.
  • That’s it! I’m packing your room up if you won’t. Where’s the snow shovel?
  • Most people don’t take their pants off while going for a car ride.
  • I’m trying to make dinner, would you stop putting motorcycles in my butt?
  • I don’t think the cat really enjoys superheroes in his ears.
  • Please don’t lick the window. (She says this every. day.)
  • You really don’t want too many spaceships in your mouth.
  • Pacifiers don’t go in your eye.
  • Making cake is a pants-on activity.
  • We say “lick off” the spoon, not “suck it off.” Why? … um……….. …….. …..just because.

Add yours in the comments so we can all marvel at the awkward together!

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Thought Collection #2

More thoughts! A collection of things I think while going about my mom-ly duties:

My son has decided that he cannot eat anything that has a “wrapper.” Blueberries, grapes, beans, corn, and peas all have wrappers. He will spit them out like Tom Hanks in Big.

Tom-Hanks-Big-GIF

I attempted once- ONCE- to remove said wrappers for him. I also tried once to bake something I saw on Pinterest, but I like to think I learn from my mistakes.

*****

I feel like, when you pay off your hospital birthing bills, you should get the title for your kid, like when you pay off your car. Frame that shit.

*****

That moment when your kids are so quiet it causes panic. You must check on them but if they catch you peeking it will break whatever mystical spell has made them silent and they’ll come get all up in your business. But you need to a) see what has them so focused to make sure that it is available at all times from this point forward and b) make sure they’re actually still alive. But oh my god it’s been a full five minutes since someone whined at you and no-one is clinging to your leg so if you wait another three minutes you could probably still resuscitate with minimal brain damage if that’s the situation. And then MOM-GUILT you scurry to the doorway and peeeeeek around with one eye and it was just a new Sesame Street but you’re busted and so is this toy and they need snacks and moooooOOOOOOOOooooom.

*****

One fun thing about having kids is getting to explain the subtleties of language to them. Like why we say we “lick off the spoon” not “suck it off.” Loudly. In public.

*****

Pretty sure the nicknames we’ve had for our kids demonstrate exactly how life has gone with them. First kid: Little Man, Bubbaloo, Sir. Second kid: Chica, Scooter, Destructo, Gozer.

*****

We are at a phase in the big kid’s life where he is learning to deal with frustration in more mature ways than wildly flailing around the house raining destruction on everyone else’s emotions. It’s going pretty well, actually, though when your starting point is sobbing because you took your pants off when you wanted to pee through them, I guess you have nowhere to go but up. Anyway, the other day I saw a break-down coming during teeth-brushing time, and told him I would guess what was wrong since he couldn’t use his words with a toothbrush in his mouth. My guesses:

Is it because the Beatles broke up? Was it Yoko? I bet it was Yoko.

Are you upset because Nick Jr replaced Marina on Fresh Beat Band without saying anything and acted like we wouldn’t notice? How were not going to notice? You’re a kid, not a marmot. We know faces.

Is it because there’s no more Clearly Canadian? It was clearly the most Canadian soda, so I don’t blame you.

Wait, it’s because DiCaprio still doesn’t have an Oscar? Don’t jump on that bandwagon, man. He’s not all that.

I know. I know. It’s because your elbows are so pointy. Curse you elboooooows!

Is it because you have toothpaste in your nose from giggling so much? That would bother me, too. Stop giggling so much! You are SO weird.

*****

A lady’s body changes a lot after kids, mostly in ways that make you feel floppy and broken. Like now, having cramps is suddenly like implanting the garbage mashers from the first Death Star into my abdomen. Replete with thrashing tentacle monsters, metal poles propping up the walls, and a Wookie.

*****

And, just for good measure, an Awkward Baby. Sometimes, you just gotta see how a life-choice tastes before you can commit.

He who hesitates is sometimes licking paper

He who hesitates is sometimes licking paper

But if you do dive in, Awkward Baby applauds you.

Awkward Baby #7

It’s time for an awkward baby, yes?

The longer I have kids, the more I find myself getting REALLY excited about talking to other grown-ups. But I’m out of practice. I want to have philosophical discussions about religion and politics and Art the way I used to when I was young and had no fear of being seen as an insufferable ass-hat. Maybe something about Marxism or Dada. Something you heard about on NPR today where I actually use my brains and the many overpriced years of education I amassed and *GASP* learn something new by listening to other people. I really miss that.

But honestly, at this point, I just get really excited to see someone who is over three feet tall. Someone who can talk about Italian cuisine without pronouncing it “Pahsketti.” And I get a little over-enthusiastic about it. I feel my face getting all goofy smiley and I don’t have anything intelligent to add to the conversation but I WILL laugh a little too hard at everything that’s not another knock knock joke about bananas. Sometimes I try way too hard and it’s a little embarrassing. And sometimes I don’t care because even being in the same room as other grown-ups is such a nice change that I don’t care how out-of-touch I am, I’m just glad to have a new person as a part of my day.

ccloseup

What are you guys talking about!? AHAHAHAHA! Right?

Awkward Baby doesn’t judge- you keep on with that goofy smile.

You like movies? I like movies.

While ferrying the kids and cat to various schools and appointments the other day, I found myself contemplating actors. There is no significant “why” here, it just popped in my head and I created a dissertation on the merits of different actors and styles while driving from the groomer to the coffee drive-thru. Like ya’ do. So I put it to you, internet reader. Consider these theories:

There is a group of highly beloved actors and actresses that, in my opinion, are always themselves in every movie they play. You can’t blame them. When you are categorized as a Leading Man or Ingénue, that’s who you play, all the time. That’s your career. And that kind of character is pretty much just… you. So I get it. What I don’t get is when those actors are then touted as being the best in the business. They may be portraying their characters well, but those characters aren’t exactly difficult to create. This becomes even more irksome when the actor IS given different characters, but is just “actor as different character.” My two biggest offenders?

#1 Kevin Costner. I don’t care how monumental people wanted his movies to be. He is lifeless on screen, and every one of his movies is just Kevin Costner As ______. I will leave Robin Hood out of this one, because once you are no longer in middle school, the atrocity of that film is resoundingly clear. Side note: do not watch the movies you loved in middle school or risk life-shattering realizations over a tub of popcorn. Such hurt you’ve given me, Prince of Thieves. Anyway, Kevin Costner As _______. Behold:

Kevin Costner As Kevin with Natives

Hey.

Hey.

Kevin Costner As Kevin Doing Baseball Stuff

Like being out-acted by corn

Like being out-acted by corn

Kevin Costner As Kevin Being Serious in the 60’s

Hats.

Hats.

Kevin Costner As Kevin Cowboy

pew pew

pew pew

Kevin Costner As HOLY SHIT IS THAT TINA MAJORINO!? I didn’t even realize that! That’s kind of awesome. Anyway, there’s Kevin Costner again.

Would you like some of our home-woven handicrafts?

Would you like some of our home-woven handicrafts?

#2 Tom Cruise. He is just so easy to be disgusted with, isn’t he? Here he is, being easily repugnant, in many similar forms.

Tom Cruise As Tom in Action

This mah serious face

This mah serious face

Tom Cruise As Tom being Kubricked

ACTING! Thank you! No, thank YOU!

ACTING! Thank you! No, thank YOU!

Tom Cruise As… actually, probably just Tom Cruise

Yup

Yup

Tom Cruise As Tom Angry Soldier

EMPHASIS!

EMPHASIS!

Tom Cruise As Tom in Fancy Goth

"This had better not awaken anything in me" (p.s. Watch Community on Yahoo!)

“This had better not awaken anything in me”

Tom Cruise As OMG I even hate him retroactively. Even young, full of potential Tom is punchable.

The smile of a man who will never know reality

The smile of a man who will never know reality

And people will cite moments where these kinds of actors do something completely off book. But I disagree. Here is Tom Cruise As Tom Being Unpredictably Funny

It's funny, because I will NEVER look like this. I'm funny.

It’s funny, because I will NEVER look like this. I’m funny.

Ugh. Just do SOMETHING that’s not you in different clothes, and I might ease up. A good example of what I want is comedians who make the transition to drama. The ones that do it well do it REALLY well. I believe comics make better dramatic actors than the other way around. Plenty of people do drama and can’t even begin to nail comedy.

Just... please stop

Just… please stop

But the other way around? It comes from knowing how to play an audience, I think. You can’t make people laugh unless you have a firm understanding of what makes people tick- how to wait for just the right moment and give just the right cues to lead them to your punchline. Keenly perceiving the human condition. And if you can do THAT well, it’s just a small leap to taking them to deep psychologically scarring places as well. ….comedians may be diabolical mind-controlling super-villians you guys. Keep your eye on them. Anyway, whenever a great comedian jumps to a drama, I pop that puppy in my Netflix queue- cuz it’s probably gonna rock. Examples? There are dozens who deserve mention, and I encourage you to in the comments. But my brief musing over this and a quick google search give us these:

Robin Williams as a weird cocaine-fueled alien (ok, so not entirely a stretch… too soon?) and also as the guy you wish was your dad.

Mork and All the Feelings

Mork and All the Feelings

Lily Tomlin as a ridiculous phone operator and a gilded lady you would not mess with.

But with the same hand in both. Just noticed that. Signature move?

But with the same hand in both. Just noticed that. Signature move?

Steve Carrell as every line you quoted in the early 2000’s and as a pitifully broken man.

I love lamp. I love... Proust.

I love lamp. I love… the boom guy..

This next one needs explanation as it is what made me realize this notion in the first place. I first noticed Sarah Paulson when she was on the short-lived show Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. If you missed it, too bad because it was really funny. It was about an SNL-style late night variety show, and Sarah Paulson was hilarious.

Not a lot of choices of pics on something that tanked eight years ago, you know?

Not a lot of choices of pics on something that tanked eight years ago, you know?

The next time I noticed her was when she did this in the movie Serenity, and I cried and cried.

Why aren't you making me laugh!? Oh god, the feels!

Even transparent you are making all the feelings!

That was the moment I realized that comedians make FAR better dramatic actors than the other way around. In the interests of full disclosure, I did study Theatre, and I sucked at it. Can’t act my way out of a wet paper bag. But it did teach me how to appreciate when those things are done well, and also that people who consider themselves Serious Actors are often insufferable, but the funny people over there? Pretty rad.

Which brings me to my last thought: character actors. Now THESE are the people who deserve the Oscars. These are the people who make a living playing someone completely freaking different every time you see them. You may not even realize it’s them from film to film. They are the sidekicks, the comic relief, the neighbor or bit part, and they ARE creating a new character, completely other than themselves, every time. Honestly, I judge a piece of entertainment not by its leads, who are often static and pat, but by the side characters. The greatest shows are the ones with the greatest ensembles of “other” kinds of characters. One of my favorite shows from the past is Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I honestly couldn’t have cared less about Buffy or her love interest Forehead. (Team Spike forever.) The leads were tiring. But the array of friends, sidekicks, and villains?! Now THAT’S a great show.

Some blond chick and the most incredible collection of characters on late 90’s tv

Some blond chick and the most incredible collection of characters on late 90’s tv

So anyway: character actors, or the real reason for the post. Two words. Christopher. Guest. If you aren’t going “ooooh, yeah. That’s right” then we need to chat. Just look at his IMDB page and count how many times you say Holy shit that was him!? I’ll do it for you.

Nigel Tufnel: Spinal Tap

The one in the middle, for anyone born after 1990

The one in the middle, for anyone born after 1990

Dr. Stone: A Few Good Men

I think we just won at the Kevin Bacon game

I think we just won at the Kevin Bacon game

Corky St. Clair: Waiting for Guffman

Jazz hands!

Jazz hands!

Alan Barrows: A Mighty Wind

He looks like NPR sounds

He looks like NPR sounds

Harlan Pepper: Best in Show

He's the one on the left

He’s the one on the left

Ivan the Terrible: Night at the Museum

Wait- really!?

Wait- really!?

And the pièce de résistance? The Six Fingered Man: The Princess Bride. Whaaaaaaaaaat!?

Leading the pack of villains you train your whole life to fight since 1987

Leading the pack of villains you train your whole life to fight since 1987

He is my hero. My Hollywood hot-damn. I can’t get enough of that guy, and neither should anyone else. People are all up in arms that DiCaprio hasn’t gotten an Oscar. But which DiCaprio?

Boat man, Rich man, or Rich Boat man?

Boat man, Rich man, or Rich Boat man?

But this Christopher Guest guy, people. THIS guy you should look out for. It occurs to me that my endorsement is probably not something he needs, or would even want based on my prolific love of swearing, but I just wanted to let you all know because he is pretty neat.

So these are my movie thoughts as I do my soccer-mom-ish tasks of my day. Next time you’re getting all film buff-y, quit swooning over the mega-stars, ignore the leads, and look for the side-kicks. That’s where it’s at.

Edit: Oh! Oh! Patton Oswald. If you haven’t seen Young Adult, do it. Seriously. That movie is DARK and his performance was outstanding. I’m just going to keep adding people I think of as the week goes on because this is IMPORTANT.

Thought collection #1

Modern social media has changed the way I think. Rather than have actual ponder-y thoughts, I find myself planning out how to relay my musings in a witty status update. This happens multiple times per day. And then, the moment is gone, I completely forget what I was thinking about, and it never makes it past my noggin.

Until now!

Tell 'em what they've won!

Tell ’em what they’ve won!

(p.s. This is the first image when you Google the phrase “tell them what they’ve won.” It’s like I got you a pony! But I didn’t. I just got you this marvelous image, which is frankly almost as good.)

I’m going to collect all those daily thoughts and flop them down haphazardly here! For your reading enjoyment! You’re welcome!

First installment: car seats to gay porn. Hooray!

1) The way to test to see if you’re ready to be a parent is to install two car seats, in the dark, while it’s sleeting rain/snow. If you can do it without hurling something across the yard, slamming the car doors more than six times, or screaming obscenities at innocent latch hooks, then you may be ready to parent. For the record, I am not ready to parent.

2) Realized I am only two years away from my TWENTY FREAKING YEAR high school reunion. This led to three thoughts. Thought one: holy. shit. Thought two: Pretty sure you have to identify as adult when you commemorate twenty years of the end of something. So… I’m a grown-up now, I guess. Thought three: I have two years to get my shit together so I can pretend I never got super fat.

Thanks, Pinterest

Thanks, Pinterest

3) Got the Big Kid his first Shamrock shake. “Mom… this is the most amazing drink ever. It’s so… green.” We’re all right there with ya, kid.

4) How I know I am an adult: I do not pull off chips of peeling paint from my walls or ceiling; I consider when I will be able to scrape and repaint. How I know I will never be fully adult: god DAMMIT I want to pull off that chunk of paint SO bad.

5) Had an odd moment today where I realized a lot of the things I hear as a parent would, in a different context, not be out of place on the set of a gay porn movie. Consider these actual moments from this week:

“Batman will ride the Batmobile and Robin will ride this cucumber.”

“I kind of prefer you don’t kiss me directly on the butt.”

“Aww, look at all those bears piled up on your face!”

And, the old stand-by: “Look how flexible my penis is!”

Til next time, keep it awkward, friends.

We now return to our program

Well… hi. Look at that last post’s date. Look at this one. Whoops. Some life happened there, it seems. But I’m back! I still don’t know what this blog is going to be. But I know I want to give it another shot.

You know, when I started, I had these grand plans that I would create this visually stunning documentary on the life of a writer- everything I had ever done, from preschool to now. All organized by topic and date. It would be monumental….ly pretentious. So I ditched it. Then I thought I’d write the next hilarious mom-blog to go triple viral (because I don’t know how the internet works) and I’d get reposted by both The Bloggess AND George Takei and it would crash my site and I’d be instantly famous. But I was trying way too hard and gave up when I wasn’t rolling in Bitcoins within a month.

So that brings us to today. Two kids, a job I occasionally do, not a hell of a lot of time, but dammit, I started this and I want to keep trying. We all have these “shoulds” and “want tos” and I don’t know about you, but I know I avoid eye-contact with all of mine for fear of failure. But all you can really do is give SOMETHING a shot every once in a while, right? So all the stuff I would normally put on Facebook? The stuff that made a whole four people say I should start a blog? It’s going here. All the stuff I have scribbled on grocery receipts and random pages of notebooks? Here. If nothing else, it still makes ME laugh, so I’ve got that to look forward to. No clue what this blog will actually be, but it’s going to be… something.

Welcome back to the new and improved blog you never knew existed in the first place. Here we go again, awkwardly diving in.

That's the spirit

That’s the spirit